Why donโ€™t you trust me? Why is your default assumption betrayal? If someone betrayed you doesnโ€™t mean you should stop trusting the world or people. Distrust blocks power and possibility of connection and closeness. Itโ€™s a border that should be crossed. It builds the wall which should be broken later. It requires energy that we could spend elsewhere. Why do we start from there? Why canโ€™t you pick another default? When I see that you donโ€™t trust me, I start questioning my trust in you. I become suspicious. I start questioning your decision-making and your values. If betraying someone is so easy in your mind, I really start to worry that you can do it. And it drives us further away. Stop doing it. Why are you so angry? I thought that pain will make you kind and expose to love. Why do you bite? What did I do to you? I donโ€™t want to play this catchup game gain. I donโ€™t want to prove my intentions. It is boring. And words donโ€™t mean a lot in those conversations. Actions are much more important. Please change your defaults. I beg you. All this anger. Iโ€™m getting scared. I know the reasons for it, of course. I know those are just emotions. And that they are temporary. But they still have an impact on me. I heard you wanted me to suffer just because you felt in danger. This worries me. You instinct reaction was to hurt me, But the source of your pain had nothing to do with me. It was all inside you and your past. Iโ€™m afraid. I can see this fire off in the future when Iโ€™m not ready. I see how you could act immediately under the emotions. How you would hit me in my weakest spot. This escalates quickly. Trust breeds trust. Distrust breeds distrust. Itโ€™s hard to build anything valuable on such foundation. Iโ€™ve been there. I donโ€™t want to be afraid to speak up my mind. I donโ€™t want to censor myself to prevent your emotions and actions that follow from that. I want safety. I want to know that it is safe for me to speak. That my words will not cause you to act and make me suffer. I want to talk to you the same way I talk to myself. That is my ultimate goal. That is what Iโ€™m looking for. This is the ultimate intimacy.

San Francisco
Time to read:
2 mins